Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
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They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
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