My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
