Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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