you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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