So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
