If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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