This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
