So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
