A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
