I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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