he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize