If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
