I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
