Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
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