Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
