"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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