Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize
