Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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