Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
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You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
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And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Never joke about your clitoris.
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