hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
