Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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