I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
