My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
