i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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