Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Randomize
