We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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