i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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