It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
