I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize