i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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