If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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