You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I smell like Dick and happiness
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
