i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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