Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
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