Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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