Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
