i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
