I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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