the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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