Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
