Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
