Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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