Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
The feeling are messing with the penis
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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