My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
