if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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