you didnt know i had herpes?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
