Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
