She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
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he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
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a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
about cumming, not toast
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.