He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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