I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
