Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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