so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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