I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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