I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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